This is about how NOT to stink.

PREAMBLE

Some of you don’t sweat, and you never smell bad. Go away.

The rest of us emit body odor to a lesser or greater degree. Actually, most of what we emit through our pores is odorless. Even the sweat in our armpits is odorless when it first appears. The odor is bacteria shit. Bacteria are everywhere, including in your pits.

They live there because it’s a warm, comfy, moist place with lotsa food. They dine on the constituents of your sweat, particularly pit-sweat, which is special. Then they excrete. It’s what they excrete that smells bad.

You can disturb them mightily with good ole soap-and-water. It ruins their day… or part of their day. Then they regroup, chow down, and stink. In other words, your morning shower removes the smell and gives the little smell-makers a hard time, by removing many of them and much of what they’d eat if they came back. But come back, they do.

With a few exceptions, some of whom are from other planets, we all perspire. Constantly. Much of the time, it’s “insensible” perspiration. That doesn’t mean it’s stupid; it means that it occurs so slowly and in such minute quantity that we can’t feel it. It’s gone before it can accumulate. However, anything that makes us warmer - either the ambient temperature is high, or we are exerting ourselves and generating body-heat - causes perspiration production to increase. Also, enclosed spaces like armpits tend to be warmer and to have little air circulation compared to more exposed surfaces of the body.

The increased perspiration hits the drier air and evaporates, meaning that it goes from the liquid phase of water to the gaseous phase of water. The phase change soaks up some heat, which helps to cool our bodies, which is why we sweat in the first place. Er, I mean, perspire. For you folks in Texas and many other places, that’s pretty much the way a common “swamp”-style air conditioner works - not as effective as compressor-and-refrigerant air conditioners, but better than nothing and doesn’t require much energy.

But, back to sweating … er… I mean, perspiring… It works, unless it doesn’t. Reasons why perspiration doesn’t make us cool might be:

- the local temp is just too darn warm, and the little bit of cooling we get from evaporation is just overwhelmed - or, after a while, we run out of water to exude [heat stroke] and stop perspiring (if that happens, you have problems far worse than a bit of body odor — what are you doing reading a blog?? drink! get help!!)

- we are working just too darn hard, and the internally-generated heat is coming faster than a bit of surface evaporation can manage

- the ambient air is already saturated (muggy, humid) and is unable to accept any water from your exudations, so the perspiration - oh hell, let’s just call it sweat at this point - stays on your skin and runs into your boots … and your eyes and your collar and your waistband and… ok we have the picture.

The point is, the more you sweat and the sooner you sweat, the more food you provide for the little pit-dwelling bacteria and the sooner you have bacteria-shit in your pits.

By the way, the sweat glands on most of your body don’t provide any real sustenance to the stink bacteria. The glands in your pits and groin exude some additional chemicals along with the salty water, and those additions are what the bacteria turn into … um…. stink.

DISCLAIMER
I don’t want to turn people into compulsive washing fanatics. Human sweat doesn’t really smell that bad… WHEN IT’S FRESH! Good old fashioned physical labor or exercise gets the juices flowing, and even pit-sweat is not foul initially. The other person’s recently-exercised smell can be part of a sexual/sensual turn-on.
The problem comes when it’s allowed to linger and grow stale. OR, if the source of the sweat is not exertion but fear, anxiety, nervous tension, that can make your pits smell unpleasant in an amazingly short time. More accurately, it gives the pit-dwelling microbes the kind of food that makes their poop smell worse, faster.

You can have some effect on the intensity and flavor of the stink by what you eat, but not that much. Basically, if you are able to reduce your B.O. to almost nothing by becoming a vegan (or some other restricted diet) then you were probably not very stinky in the first place, or you stank for some disease-related reason…. which happens. But we’re addressing most people, here, not you special cases… sorry.

What can add insult to injury is when your clothing causes you to stink faster than you otherwise would have. You might notice that some shirts/tops can go through the laundry, come out smelling fresh, then start to smell funky a couple of minutes after you put them on. Now that’s just cruel. But there’s a reason for it.

DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT

Well, you can control the personal pit-stink by washing, but as we’ve noted, that cleaning can be effective for greater or lesser amounts of time, depending on the weather/climate and on your level of physical activity. Also your health. If you have high blood pressure, you’ll likely sweat more easily and copiously than other people. Fuel for the microbes.

This observation can lead to some obsessive body-washing if you let yourself get carried away. Naturally, the chemical industries have come up with some solutions, for better or for worse.

Some of them start in the shower, with good old masking-stink built into your soap. I don’t know if they started the trend, but “Irish Spring” was certainly an early popularizer of having your suds stink louder than the residual body-stink in your pits. I never favored that approach. If you’ve been really stinky for an extended period, you might come out of a regular shower and still be able to smell your own pits as you towel off. Egad! That’s some persistent stink. It’s right in your skin, and didn’t get washed out by the soap and water. Next time you get back in the shower - which should be right now, if you are about to go on a date or a job interview - try a bit of dish-detergent in the pits. That will often help you to dig out the B.O. molecules that have embedded in the creases of your pit skin. Don’t do it all the time, or you’ll develop a rash.

MASK IT

The first thing that they came up with, centuries ago, before indoor plumbing made bathing so convenient, and one that’s probably still the majority choice is masking. You apply a stink that you believe smells better than your natural aroma (or better than the bacteria-shit that wafts from your sweaty pits). Naturally, such a smell needs to be concentrated.

That solution can work all day on the average not-too-physical workday, though some people who commute via public transit will tell you that such solutions often wear off sooner than their wearers might have hoped.

There’s also the problem that more and more people are getting onto the “I’m sensitive/allergic to scents!” bandwagon. Some of them actually are hypersensitive. The rest… well, I think Baron Münchhausen has many, many descendants, but let’s not go into that. Suffice to say that if you apply a sufficiently strong artificial aroma to yourself, you’ll guarantee that you’re going to offend some people and physically harm some. Apply a lesser, survivable counter-stench, and you’ll do less damage on the bus or elevator, but you might need to re-apply during the day.

CONFINED SPACES

Here’s some free advice on that score. If you are ever invited into a radio studio for an interview or guest spot, arrive clean but without any artificial scents or perfumes. Most DJs, hosts, and other on-air persons spend their working days in tiny cubicles. They really, really, really resent anybody who brings a strong smell into the confined space where they work all day. They might take revenge by asking you embarrassing questions or making you appear foolish and unprepared. Better to arrive stink-free and have the interviewer or host on your side, no?

PREVENT IT (1)

The popular chemical attack, other than the masking stink, is to prevent the sweating. That works for people who don’t sweat much, or people who are completely sedentary. I’m talking about antiperspirants - usually, but not always based on aluminum chlorhydrate or similar compounds - that basically spread alum on the sensitive skin of your pits, in an attempt to close off the pores or discourage the sweat glands in that area. How much aluminum do you want soaking through your skin? If it works for you, and you don’t mind smearing that stuff on your skin, day after day after day… then by all means continue.

PREVENT IT (2)

The smart chemical attack is one that doesn’t bother trying to prevent a natural function (sweating) that’s going to overwhelm a chemical barrier eventually - probably when you can least afford it - and doesn’t try to mask your natural pit-stink with an overpowering artificial odor. Instead, it attempts to neutralize the odor or to neutralize the pit-critters before they generate the odor. The first one that I’ve found that actually works is called MenScience Advanced Deodorant. I’m lucky enough to live in the same city as the bricks-and-mortar locale of the MenEssentials store that carries this stuff, so I can just drive over and pick up a stick. It’s pretty much odorless (at least to my nose), and it keeps my pits pretty much odorless a-a-a-allll day lo-o-o-o-o-o-ong. From a standing start after my morning shower (say 07:30 most mornings) until bed-time, it’s never failed me. Even into the next day, it seems to offer protection until it’s washed off. Wow.

AND, at 17-bucks per stick, it’s roughly half the price of the Armani Emporio (masking stink…. but pleasant and sophisticated masking stink….) that I’d been using for the past few years.

Obviously, if you are the kind of guy who likes to wear a scented aftershave, then either you should wear a matching deodorant, or wear something like the MenScience Advanced that won’t offer a competing scent.

PREVENT IT (3)

Here’s my favorite. Do you exercise? Do you wear any of the new-ish, “high-tech” fabrics that threaten to wick moisture away from your body, and expel it, keeping you dry and comfy? So far, that works for people who don’t sweat much. For either real athletes or copious-sweating semi-to-non-athletes (like me), those miracle Dry-Fit and other fabrics get overwhelmed during the warm-up; never mind the workout.

Am I about to reveal the magic fabric that does the job that those techno-fabrics pretend to do? Nope. As of November 2008, anyway, I’m not aware of any.

But those fabrics do have some value, and coupled with a suitable outer layer, they can channel a fair bit of sweat away from you. Sorta-kinda. They sure as hell beat cotton for that purpose. It’s not for nothing that mountaineers and hiking and other outdoor enthusiasts refer to cotton as “death fabric” - it gets soaked rapidly and then holds that clammy wetness against your skin, chilling you in any but the hottest of weather.

OK fine, but we were talking about stink. What’s the deal? You wear whatever’s /m/o/s/t/ /c/o/m/f/o/r/t/a/b/l/e … er… least uncomfortable for your workout, then you toss it in the laundry and have a shower. Stink is not a big issue. Well… maybe. If you use any of those plastic fabrics, especially any that are based on polypropylene, but some other popular ones as well, then you’ve noticed that they like to stink.

Manufacturers have responded to customers by pre-treating with various chemical compounds. Those wash off. Then your garment stinks. Others have tried embedding silver or copper micro-threads into the fabric, which either kills or discourages the growth of the stink-making microbes. That works to some extent, and it doesn’t irritate most people (though to get it non-irritating, they had to lower the copper or silver content to the point where it doesn’t work very impressively).

Eventually, however, your garment stinks.

Why?

You wash it don’t you? With some pretty harsh detergent stuff, don’t you?

So, why is it that your running shirt can come out of the laundry smelling fresh (by the way, for the sweat-wicking to work properly you should avoid using fabric-softeners on most such fabrics…) but then a few minutes after you put it on - about as long as it takes to get warm and a wee bit humid - it offers up a pungent memory of the way it stank before you threw it in the wash. Eeewwww!

The very hydrophobic nature of some of the fibers keeps the water off/out. If the wash-water can’t get into the fibers of the fabric, then the detergent (that’s dissolved or suspended in that water) doesn’t get in either. The bacteria-shit - or at least, the components that emit the stink - are oil soluble. They cling to every tiny nook and crevice and kink of the plastic fibers, laughing at the warm water and detergent that would otherwise wet the fabric and carry the offending material away. So it stays, embedded.

When next you warm and moisten it by wearing it, you give the current crop of underarm critters a head start toward stink.

So, once the manufacturer’s chemical repellent wears off, your plastic-fiber garments stink.

What to do?

Vinegar.

It’s that simple. When you go to launder your exercise clothes (or your polyester leisure suit), etc., just be sure to add a cup of ordinary white vinegar to the wash water. Works like a charm. It amazed me how effective it was. Cheap, too. Workout clothes that I was ready to toss in the garbage have achieved a new lease on life. Just plain old vinegar. Your Mom probably told you - well, maybe your grandmother - but you forgot, or you took it to be an old wives’ tale. It wasn’t. It works. There’s a good chemical-engineering reason for it (having to do with ion charges and such), but basically, the acid vinegar is just the thing to allow the laundry water and emulsifying agent (soap or detergent) to do a proper job on the oily stench molecules that try to cling to the plastic fibers.

PREVENT IT (4)

Wool.

Yes, wool.

Even for workout clothes.

They make lightweight knits of Merino wool, now, that are delightfully comfy, non-itchy, cool on a summer day, or warm on a winter day. And wool just doesn’t encourage human body odor. People who go on hikes for a week, ten days have been known to bring just one or two wool shirts and other wool garments, and not wash them the whole time….. and still magically not reek (much) when they come back to civilization.

Wool fibers have built-in anti-microbial properties. Even when a wool garment finally starts to stink, a good washing solves the problem.

Ordinary wool is… um… an acquired taste in terms of underwear and garments that touch your skin - even the finest weaves and knits can be a bit scratchy. Merino wool’s long fibers make it supple and gentle on the skin. Luxurious.

Heavier knits, for any weather cooler than a hot summer day, tend to regulate body temp. Even when wet, medium- and heavy-weight wool retains its insulating ability. You can be out in the bush and get dunked, and your wool garments will still keep you warm. Not as warm as they would if you’d had the sense to stay off that thin ice…. but far warmer than anything with cotton in it, and warmer than most artificial fiber garments. Certainly far warmer than wet goose-down. Ahem…

Merino wool. Use it. Love it. Too bad the price will skyrocket when we all start using it.

DID WE MENTION FEET?

Hoo-boy! Some people’s feet stink so badly that they can clear a room by removing a shoe. They can ruin a carpet by just walking barefoot or sockfoot on it.

Once again, that’s bacteria. And fungus. An enclosed shoe with a warm, sweaty foot is the perfect environment for both bacteria and fungi. Along with whatever chemicals are exuded in your foot-sweat, there’s all the epithelial cells that have been sloughed into your shoe and had nowhere else to go. Even open sandals will either trap or soak up stuff that feeds bacteria (and thus feeds stink).

If you must wear shoes, make sure they are leather (not treated for water-proofness) or are ventilated/mesh. Just don’t wear boots indoors if you don’t absolutely have to do so. Most of us work in offices and must wear enclosed footwear. The best thing that you can do for your feet and for your co-workers… and fellow inhabitants of earth, in general… is to wear wool socks.

Yes, for the same reasons mentioned earlier, wear wool. If you are in a physical job that requires workboots, wear workboot WOOL socks… not plastic… not cotton. Cotton socks are ok for athletic pursuits where you can change them every half hour or so. For any situation where you wear the same socks and shoes/boots for several hours, go with wool.

If you wear running shoes, there are some thick, soft, Merino wool “boot” socks intended for hiking boots and sold in outdoor/hunting’n'fishing stores that are off-white or cream colored and only mid-calf height, so they’re pretty-much ok to wear as athletic (or walkin’-around-the-office) socks. They are blissfully comfy. Unlike cotton terry, they retain their lofty, springy nature even after a day of wear. Being Merino wool, they don’t irritate - no pick, no itch.

If you wear leather dress or casual shoes, there are now plenty of thin, fine-knit Merino wool dress socks.

Why? We already went through this for shirts. Natural stink reduction and comfort.

If your feet aren’t bothered by ordinary wool, then you don’t need Merino, which might be more expensive. But you do need wool. Even if you don’t think so, your spouse, your co-workers (or cow-orkers, as the CopyEditors mailing list folks like to call ‘em) and many other people, would beg to differ.

Well, there’s probably lots more to say on the subject, but I can hear you snoring. I can also hear my supper calling me.

That’s the way I see it, anyway.

Copyright 2009.